33

Just turned a year older. the reflection in the mirror corroborates this fact: stubborn bulges, tired eyes, white hair, dull (but still oily) skin, wrinkles in the forehead shaped by my default facial stance (kunot-noo. note to self: need to change that. dapat smile ang default)

okay, i have to stop myself there. i don't want to go to the 'getting old' trashtalk that conditions us to brace ourselves for bumpy ride ahead. i honestly believe getting older can be so much fun. i'm a lot happier now than I was a year or even 10 years ago.

so getting old should be a good thing. and i want to get the most out of it. (if youth is wasted on the young, can old age be wasted on the aged?)

i made a lot of fuss when i turned 30. it was all about awakening: discarding useless mindsets and discovering new truths.

i didn't realize how unnecessary anxiety had been eating me until i hyperventilated one night while driving. my arms turned numb; i couldn't breathe; it felt like a heart attack; i thought it was the end of me.

my self-diagnosis was anxiety disorder, a prelude to depression.

for someone looking from the outside, i didn't have any reason to develop that. my life was normal, stable and sound. but my mind wasn't. i was struggling internally. i struggled with a lot of unreasonable fears, chief of which was death. mine. i believe it started when i gave birth to my first. and it gained strength as my earnings got bigger. (side thought: is personal financial stability an achievable state? because the more we earn the more we feel insecure.)

the faux heart attack was a wake up call. my anxiety zapped me of joy. i had no joy. and that is not how i wanted to live my life. it would be unfair to my loved ones to live with someone who's incapable of feeling joy, especially if that someone was their mother or wife or daughter.

i had to do something. i had to attack my anxiety from its homebase: my beautiful but wildly imaginative mind.

the awakening process took me months and tons of reading materials. i needed new insights to supersede the mindsets i held on to. i dabbled in new age stuff. i was eager to gain insights from anybody - from ricky lo to panjee tapales to liz gilbert to paul young. (i wish i could say Nietzsche but i can't read him. too heavy for me)

You might cringe at this but the culmination of that process was a personal meeting with Jesus in a Bread service. my life was never the same when I encountered Him on a very personal level, again. only then did I realize that for the longest time, I was so proud that I didn't really bother go asking Him for help. I was the captain of my soul. I have burdens and it was only I who can carry them. I felt I was the only one who can give my children what they needed (thus my fear of death). Such pride! I didn't even realize God loves my children much more than I do so what gives me the right to think He would not take care of them, or that only I can give them what they need. As if.

I realized I was carrying the wrong burdens. they were wrong because they stemmed from my pride and false sense of security. When I accepted how weak and dispensable I was, and realized Jesus is enough, peace, the one that surpasses all understanding, came.

I want to hold on to that.

So if my 29-32 was the period of awakening, the coming years will be about sustaining the gains and building on that sense of peace and joy. I don't have a list on how to do that but it doesn't matter. what's important is I made the decision to take yet another journey of discovery.

In the meantime, i came up with a wishlist to mark my 33rd (not a traditional milestone year but a double 3 seems like a good number). I initially thought of them as resolutions but since I don't have a good track record in that area, might as well call them as they are. Also, by putting them as a wishlist, there might just be a chance they'll be granted*.

1. Bigger heart - so i can carry more and deeper love to spread around
2. God's perspective - to make sense out of things that go my way
3. Health and energy - so I can enjoy my family more and be physically there for them
4. Open mind - so I continue to grow and absorb lessons and insights
5. Hope and audacity - because I need to have and pursue big dreams for my family, my organization and my country ( sabi kasi ni pastor, the size of your dreams reflects the size of your God)
6. Humility - so I can keep the joy in my heart (that probably needs some explaining but I don't need to. you'll have your own reasons for wanting humility).

This is quite a good list, don't you think?

* i believe in the power of framing. the key to forming a good answer or solution is to frame the question or problem well.