parenting pointer #1

If there’s one thing I want to be really good at, it’s parenting. that's not surprising because most parents feel that raising kids is their most defining life’s work. (That is the benefit of parenthood: you don't need to go on endless soul searching to discover your purpose. you only need to look at your kids and you know exactly what you're here for*)

But I’m not a natural when it comes to parenting as I feel some people are. I’m not the motherly type, never the supermom that most people equate with the good parent. I don’t exactly prepare my kids’ baon everyday; I don’t mind their homework most of the time; didn't breastfeed them exclusively for a year; didn’t make it a point to give them a bath myself everyday during their pre-grade school years.

I delegate these things (well, except for the breastfeeding part) most mothers (even the working ones) would probably do themselves. There were times that I felt guilty about this but I don’t really enjoy guilt-tripping. So I snap out of it fast. Good for me but as for my kids, well, from the looks of it, maybe good for them, too. A guilt-ridden mom is no fun mom. (yup, that’s me rationalizing).

A lot of moms attempt real hard at becoming the society’s idea of supermom** And that's fine because it seems like a noble aspiration. I say "seems" because I have a feeling that supermom tendencies are partly borne out of the parent's own need for social validation and affirmation, and not just out of a desire to make the children feel more loved. of course, validation or affirmation is a natural human need.

but if that's our major driver for wanting to be superparents, then we're missing a very important point. becoming a good parent then becomes the end rather than the means to an end, which to me, is the forging of the child's character***. our supermom aspirations can then become counterproductive, doing more harm than good to our kids. they'll feel betrayed if they sense that they're being used to feed their parents' ego and sense of achievement. and that's no way to build trust.

i remember when I first enrolled my eldest in a private big school. my father told me he hoped i was doing it for the right reasons. what?! so there were wrong reasons for sending children to good expensive schools?! i initially tried to ignore the comment but it continued to nag me. so i examined my motive. why was i indeed sending him to an expensive**** school? there are of course canned rational answers to that but my deepest reason for sending my son to an expensive school was because i didn't want to shortchange him. i didnt want to scrimp on the most important financial investment a parent can give a child. parang feeling ko, dapat ang education ng mga bata, medyo ginagapang naman. my element of sacrifice dapat.

was that philosophy shaped by societal expectations? was it valid? i don't know. but what i know is that i didn't send him to that school because of the attached status symbol. and that I think was what my dad was driving at.

his comment gave me an important pointer on parenting: always check your motives. the decision that you make will not be judged by its outcome but by the intent behind it. who will be the judge? yourself. nobody else has the right to judge your intention. when you're not too fixated on the outcome, that takes off a lot of pressure. because honestly, we can't control the outcomes in parenting. that's probably why my mother always tells me that my children's success and failures are not mine. it's not meant to be an escape clause for lousy parents but that's just the way it is.

i think that's worth keeping in mind.

-oOo-

so i said if there's anything i want to be good at, it's parenting. i asked myself if i wanted that because of the attached premium of that label on my ego. my heart said no. i want to be a good parent because my wonderful children deserve no less.

that's probably fair enough.




* probably not universally true

**There’s an emerging pop term for it: helicopter parents. ok, they're not actually the same. unlike "supermom", HP has a bit of derogatory tone to it, at least to me.

*** the goal of parenting is worth exploring in a separate post
****that's how an 80k tuition feels like to me