parenting pointer #1

If there’s one thing I want to be really good at, it’s parenting. that's not surprising because most parents feel that raising kids is their most defining life’s work. (That is the benefit of parenthood: you don't need to go on endless soul searching to discover your purpose. you only need to look at your kids and you know exactly what you're here for*)

But I’m not a natural when it comes to parenting as I feel some people are. I’m not the motherly type, never the supermom that most people equate with the good parent. I don’t exactly prepare my kids’ baon everyday; I don’t mind their homework most of the time; didn't breastfeed them exclusively for a year; didn’t make it a point to give them a bath myself everyday during their pre-grade school years.

I delegate these things (well, except for the breastfeeding part) most mothers (even the working ones) would probably do themselves. There were times that I felt guilty about this but I don’t really enjoy guilt-tripping. So I snap out of it fast. Good for me but as for my kids, well, from the looks of it, maybe good for them, too. A guilt-ridden mom is no fun mom. (yup, that’s me rationalizing).

A lot of moms attempt real hard at becoming the society’s idea of supermom** And that's fine because it seems like a noble aspiration. I say "seems" because I have a feeling that supermom tendencies are partly borne out of the parent's own need for social validation and affirmation, and not just out of a desire to make the children feel more loved. of course, validation or affirmation is a natural human need.

but if that's our major driver for wanting to be superparents, then we're missing a very important point. becoming a good parent then becomes the end rather than the means to an end, which to me, is the forging of the child's character***. our supermom aspirations can then become counterproductive, doing more harm than good to our kids. they'll feel betrayed if they sense that they're being used to feed their parents' ego and sense of achievement. and that's no way to build trust.

i remember when I first enrolled my eldest in a private big school. my father told me he hoped i was doing it for the right reasons. what?! so there were wrong reasons for sending children to good expensive schools?! i initially tried to ignore the comment but it continued to nag me. so i examined my motive. why was i indeed sending him to an expensive**** school? there are of course canned rational answers to that but my deepest reason for sending my son to an expensive school was because i didn't want to shortchange him. i didnt want to scrimp on the most important financial investment a parent can give a child. parang feeling ko, dapat ang education ng mga bata, medyo ginagapang naman. my element of sacrifice dapat.

was that philosophy shaped by societal expectations? was it valid? i don't know. but what i know is that i didn't send him to that school because of the attached status symbol. and that I think was what my dad was driving at.

his comment gave me an important pointer on parenting: always check your motives. the decision that you make will not be judged by its outcome but by the intent behind it. who will be the judge? yourself. nobody else has the right to judge your intention. when you're not too fixated on the outcome, that takes off a lot of pressure. because honestly, we can't control the outcomes in parenting. that's probably why my mother always tells me that my children's success and failures are not mine. it's not meant to be an escape clause for lousy parents but that's just the way it is.

i think that's worth keeping in mind.

-oOo-

so i said if there's anything i want to be good at, it's parenting. i asked myself if i wanted that because of the attached premium of that label on my ego. my heart said no. i want to be a good parent because my wonderful children deserve no less.

that's probably fair enough.




* probably not universally true

**There’s an emerging pop term for it: helicopter parents. ok, they're not actually the same. unlike "supermom", HP has a bit of derogatory tone to it, at least to me.

*** the goal of parenting is worth exploring in a separate post
****that's how an 80k tuition feels like to me

why we are poor 1.1

'As long as the Filipino people have not enough spirit to proclaim, brow held high, and breast bared, their right to a free society, and to maintain it with their sacrifices, with their very blood; as long as we see our country men privately ashamed , hearing the cries of their revolted, and protesting in conscience but silent in public, or joining the oppressor in mocking the oppressed; as long as we see them wrapping themselves up in their selfishness and praising the most iniquitous acts with forced smiles, begging with their eyes for a share of the booty, why give them freedom?" - El Filibusterismo

why we are poor 1.0

"That so many Filipinos now eat only once a day is a blatant confirmation of the immorality of our people and particularly of our leaders. When I see all those fat and glossy cars in our elite schools, the thousands upon thousands crowding our churches and religious rallies, I realize how dismally our schools and churches* have failed. " - F. Sionil Jose

*If I may add, our homes, too.

33

Just turned a year older. the reflection in the mirror corroborates this fact: stubborn bulges, tired eyes, white hair, dull (but still oily) skin, wrinkles in the forehead shaped by my default facial stance (kunot-noo. note to self: need to change that. dapat smile ang default)

okay, i have to stop myself there. i don't want to go to the 'getting old' trashtalk that conditions us to brace ourselves for bumpy ride ahead. i honestly believe getting older can be so much fun. i'm a lot happier now than I was a year or even 10 years ago.

so getting old should be a good thing. and i want to get the most out of it. (if youth is wasted on the young, can old age be wasted on the aged?)

i made a lot of fuss when i turned 30. it was all about awakening: discarding useless mindsets and discovering new truths.

i didn't realize how unnecessary anxiety had been eating me until i hyperventilated one night while driving. my arms turned numb; i couldn't breathe; it felt like a heart attack; i thought it was the end of me.

my self-diagnosis was anxiety disorder, a prelude to depression.

for someone looking from the outside, i didn't have any reason to develop that. my life was normal, stable and sound. but my mind wasn't. i was struggling internally. i struggled with a lot of unreasonable fears, chief of which was death. mine. i believe it started when i gave birth to my first. and it gained strength as my earnings got bigger. (side thought: is personal financial stability an achievable state? because the more we earn the more we feel insecure.)

the faux heart attack was a wake up call. my anxiety zapped me of joy. i had no joy. and that is not how i wanted to live my life. it would be unfair to my loved ones to live with someone who's incapable of feeling joy, especially if that someone was their mother or wife or daughter.

i had to do something. i had to attack my anxiety from its homebase: my beautiful but wildly imaginative mind.

the awakening process took me months and tons of reading materials. i needed new insights to supersede the mindsets i held on to. i dabbled in new age stuff. i was eager to gain insights from anybody - from ricky lo to panjee tapales to liz gilbert to paul young. (i wish i could say Nietzsche but i can't read him. too heavy for me)

You might cringe at this but the culmination of that process was a personal meeting with Jesus in a Bread service. my life was never the same when I encountered Him on a very personal level, again. only then did I realize that for the longest time, I was so proud that I didn't really bother go asking Him for help. I was the captain of my soul. I have burdens and it was only I who can carry them. I felt I was the only one who can give my children what they needed (thus my fear of death). Such pride! I didn't even realize God loves my children much more than I do so what gives me the right to think He would not take care of them, or that only I can give them what they need. As if.

I realized I was carrying the wrong burdens. they were wrong because they stemmed from my pride and false sense of security. When I accepted how weak and dispensable I was, and realized Jesus is enough, peace, the one that surpasses all understanding, came.

I want to hold on to that.

So if my 29-32 was the period of awakening, the coming years will be about sustaining the gains and building on that sense of peace and joy. I don't have a list on how to do that but it doesn't matter. what's important is I made the decision to take yet another journey of discovery.

In the meantime, i came up with a wishlist to mark my 33rd (not a traditional milestone year but a double 3 seems like a good number). I initially thought of them as resolutions but since I don't have a good track record in that area, might as well call them as they are. Also, by putting them as a wishlist, there might just be a chance they'll be granted*.

1. Bigger heart - so i can carry more and deeper love to spread around
2. God's perspective - to make sense out of things that go my way
3. Health and energy - so I can enjoy my family more and be physically there for them
4. Open mind - so I continue to grow and absorb lessons and insights
5. Hope and audacity - because I need to have and pursue big dreams for my family, my organization and my country ( sabi kasi ni pastor, the size of your dreams reflects the size of your God)
6. Humility - so I can keep the joy in my heart (that probably needs some explaining but I don't need to. you'll have your own reasons for wanting humility).

This is quite a good list, don't you think?

* i believe in the power of framing. the key to forming a good answer or solution is to frame the question or problem well.

tomorrow's my thanksgiving day

remember the driver who kept me waiting last night (which led me to resurrect this blog)? it's his birthday tomorrow.

my driver happens to be my favorite person in the whole wide world. life always feels easy with him around (save for some tantrums here and there). he doesn't technically make me laugh (because he's not a jester type) but he makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. he doesn't seem to mind my quirks and he puts up with my annoying behaviors. he could be a bad ass, but he's my favorite bad ass. he makes me feel loved and accepted despite everything, and that helps me love and accept myself. my sons are great because they have a great father, and even for that alone I feel lucky. my mom's lucky too to have a son-in-law who really cares for her.

i have so many other things to say about this guy, but he's already waiting for me in the lobby. hope he gets to read this :)

mini-panic

What do you do when deadlines are staring you in the face? Me, i look for mindless distractions, like churning out this entry. the deadlines that i'm trying to ignore all involve writing(final assessment report, a business case, gov's speech) but i choose to be distracted by writing an unnecessary piece. how's that for stress management?

i read somewhere that the main cause of stress is a feeling that you have no option.

that's probably true. and that's probably why choosing to write a blog entry instead of my way- past-deadline report gives me a temporary panic relief. because it makes me feel that i have an option (a false one, but still...)

btw, do you think escape is a false option?

# 2

It's 15 minutes to 8 and i'm still in the office. nope, i'm not working anymore. work mode ended around 6:30. i'm still here because i'm too lazy to get a cab and go home, too lazy to pack up and stroll around HP, but not tired and bored enough to wait for my driver (hehe) for 2 hours and counting...

so.

my friend just shown me her newly resurrected blog and it got me to resurrect my own, too (though this blog never really went live so there's nothing really to resurrect i suppose).

i was thinking about a worthy maiden resurrection entry, and this is just what i've come up thus far: nothing really. what i managed to come up with is an initial list of things that i could probably write about (you see, i have this thing for lists. a list gives a semblance of structure).

• parenting, my favorite aphorisms, sandwich recipes, books+movies+places that move/d or inspire/d me, dark chocolates, my pastor's sermon, my kids' quirks and milestones, houses I love, my friends' FB status.

what do you think? ngyeah... it's kinda all over the place.

we'll see how this goes.