take two

i don't have anything in particular to write about right now.  but i need to post something because i've been making it a point to do an entry a week.  and i can't afford another area of dismal performance because i have already been feeling like an epic failure with my NY list.

so sorry so soon, right?   i also can't believe it, as i watch myself violating my list day after day after day since the time i wrote it, and it's not even February yet.  the resolve is not supposed to wane this early.  and to think i felt my list was such a baby. you know, sleep early, be on time, wear make up...  chicken, right? apparently not for me.  

how about you?  hope you're faring much better than i am.  (or lucky you if you didn't make a list)

i should have probably just stuck with the one-word theme for the year like i used to. sounds simpler.  it's like setting a guiding principle of what you yearn to master for that year. it's just a theme, so it's hard to tell if you're keeping/doing it or not (guilt evasion scheme). but your gut will tell you. guts don't B.S.

so mine last year was authenticity: to know my self better, enjoy that self, be really that self.   but as you can see, i have managed to come up with a loong list of things i need to change about myself last Jan 1.  so i guess i failed in my quest for authenticity too haha*  (just let me wallow in this sense of failure.  i can take this)

but i still want to have a theme for this year,  or make it two coz i'm retaining authenticity.  i was thinking of 'Depth'.  that's the word that popped in head while i listened to my pastor's sunday talk.  i was thinking: i love this church, i love how it re-focuses me to the essential matters of life, i love how it makes me want to become a person with a sense of mission and meaningful burdens.

then i realized i like it when i connect to my deeper self, when i'm not too engrossed with the mundane.  i want to have that not only when i'm in church. i want that to be a mainstay feeling.

but then Monday beckoned.

you know Mondays. they're not cuddly like Sundays.  and unfortunately, i need to contend with, like, 4 mondays a week (i'm counting out friday).

you also probably know how it's a challenge to stay in touch with the deeper self in an 8 to 5 work setting. so much stimuli.  so by barely mid-monday, i slide back to mundane.  at the rate i'm going, how could i possibly do deep 7 days a week?

maybe i don't really want deep (cop out!)

maybe i just want to be kinder.  to be consistently and effortlessly kind.  because i hate it too when i b*tch. it's so lowly.

kindness. it's warm and fuzzy and has more practical use in the world than depth.  you can even kill with it.

authenticity + kindness. maybe this is what my loong chicken list really is all about.

(Photo not mine. stumbled upon it 2 years ago while surfing aimlessly)

* at this point, i can imagine my mother saying: but you're still being yourself. you're just trying to become your best self. 

the obligatory new year's list

Sleep before 9:30pm
Walk for 1& 1/2 hours everyday, am and noon
Take the stairs always
Eat only fruits for breakfast
No sweets, unless it's dark choco bar (at least 70%)
No pork, unless it's lechon
Wake up no later than 5am
Pray right before sleeping and right after waking up
Check Facebook on weekends only
No complaints, no judgment
Listen more, talk less
Seek to understand everyone
Speak only kind words about anybody. Keep harsh opinions to self
Wear make up
Add more colors to wardrobe
Get pedicure every other week, facial once a month (may budget ba?)
Use up a bottle of body lotion down to the last drop (coz i usually ditch it even when it's not even half)
No shoe purchase until October
No bag and make up purchase for the year
Buy good quality only
No gadget purchase for the year
Optimize and enjoy whatever's available
Tithe religously
Visit Sagada wih the entire family
Climb Mt. Maculot
Visit Hundred Islands
Be on time for everything, particularly for work
Read to zion and pray with the kids every night (walang mintis)
Cook saturday lunch and dinner (ok, kahit lunch lang)
Prepare menu for the entire week and actually stick to it
Purge closet and shoe cabinet
Stick to our grocery budget
Prettify the backyard patio
Learn German
Write thank you notes
Give marvin back rubs, even when he doesn't ask for it


whew, and this isn't even as exhaustive as i feel it should be.  such a long way to my better self, but should be getting there.   


Happy 2011!

Good

“There’s always a way to be good again.”

This is one of my favorite lines from The Kite Runner. It may just be a simple, straightforward statement, but to me, it’s a comforting assurance.

I stumble everyday, i find myself caving in to my baser instinct of self-preservation, and along with it self-righteousness and self-promotion. i sometimes let my judgmental nature take over. i recognize it when it happens but i don’t fight it. i watch myself dishing out things i’d later wish i didn’t.

i almost always feel bad about it. i can’t take back things like opinions not meant to be shared, so i self-flagellate mentally. i torture my mind with guilt as penance.

My husband reminds me that it’s all about choices. But you need to frame your choices carefully.

I sometimes frame mine as: (a) rant it out to bust stress (decompress, my friend calls it, or (b) keep it inside and agonize over it alone.

What do you choose? Most often, I choose (a) because it’s rationalized as good for my mental health. Is it, really? because the ensuing self-flagellation is more like a case of the cure being worse than the disease.

What if the choices were really: (a) rant it out and feel worse afterwards when the guild come flooding in, or (b) keep it to yourself because, come on, what good will talking about it do? who cares? and what if your shit comes back to you?

i guess that makes more sense.

so what i’m just trying to say here is, I want to be good. and being good means (among other things) holding my tongue, suspending judgment, and being a bit more understanding.

it will be a struggle. but i hope i never get tired of wanting it.

Photo by Zaki

33

Just turned a year older. the reflection in the mirror corroborates this fact: stubborn bulges, tired eyes, white hair, dull (but still oily) skin, wrinkles in the forehead shaped by my default facial stance (kunot-noo. note to self: need to change that. dapat smile ang default)

okay, i have to stop myself there. i don't want to go to the 'getting old' trashtalk that conditions us to brace ourselves for bumpy ride ahead. i honestly believe getting older can be so much fun. i'm a lot happier now than I was a year or even 10 years ago.

so getting old should be a good thing. and i want to get the most out of it. (if youth is wasted on the young, can old age be wasted on the aged?)

i made a lot of fuss when i turned 30. it was all about awakening: discarding useless mindsets and discovering new truths.

i didn't realize how unnecessary anxiety had been eating me until i hyperventilated one night while driving. my arms turned numb; i couldn't breathe; it felt like a heart attack; i thought it was the end of me.

my self-diagnosis was anxiety disorder, a prelude to depression.

for someone looking from the outside, i didn't have any reason to develop that. my life was normal, stable and sound. but my mind wasn't. i was struggling internally. i struggled with a lot of unreasonable fears, chief of which was death. mine. i believe it started when i gave birth to my first. and it gained strength as my earnings got bigger. (side thought: is personal financial stability an achievable state? because the more we earn the more we feel insecure.)

the faux heart attack was a wake up call. my anxiety zapped me of joy. i had no joy. and that is not how i wanted to live my life. it would be unfair to my loved ones to live with someone who's incapable of feeling joy, especially if that someone was their mother or wife or daughter.

i had to do something. i had to attack my anxiety from its homebase: my beautiful but wildly imaginative mind.

the awakening process took me months and tons of reading materials. i needed new insights to supersede the mindsets i held on to. i dabbled in new age stuff. i was eager to gain insights from anybody - from ricky lo to panjee tapales to liz gilbert to paul young. (i wish i could say Nietzsche but i can't read him. too heavy for me)

You might cringe at this but the culmination of that process was a personal meeting with Jesus in a Bread service. my life was never the same when I encountered Him on a very personal level, again. only then did I realize that for the longest time, I was so proud that I didn't really bother go asking Him for help. I was the captain of my soul. I have burdens and it was only I who can carry them. I felt I was the only one who can give my children what they needed (thus my fear of death). Such pride! I didn't even realize God loves my children much more than I do so what gives me the right to think He would not take care of them, or that only I can give them what they need. As if.

I realized I was carrying the wrong burdens. they were wrong because they stemmed from my pride and false sense of security. When I accepted how weak and dispensable I was, and realized Jesus is enough, peace, the one that surpasses all understanding, came.

I want to hold on to that.

So if my 29-32 was the period of awakening, the coming years will be about sustaining the gains and building on that sense of peace and joy. I don't have a list on how to do that but it doesn't matter. what's important is I made the decision to take yet another journey of discovery.

In the meantime, i came up with a wishlist to mark my 33rd (not a traditional milestone year but a double 3 seems like a good number). I initially thought of them as resolutions but since I don't have a good track record in that area, might as well call them as they are. Also, by putting them as a wishlist, there might just be a chance they'll be granted*.

1. Bigger heart - so i can carry more and deeper love to spread around
2. God's perspective - to make sense out of things that go my way
3. Health and energy - so I can enjoy my family more and be physically there for them
4. Open mind - so I continue to grow and absorb lessons and insights
5. Hope and audacity - because I need to have and pursue big dreams for my family, my organization and my country ( sabi kasi ni pastor, the size of your dreams reflects the size of your God)
6. Humility - so I can keep the joy in my heart (that probably needs some explaining but I don't need to. you'll have your own reasons for wanting humility).

This is quite a good list, don't you think?

* i believe in the power of framing. the key to forming a good answer or solution is to frame the question or problem well.