Good

“There’s always a way to be good again.”

This is one of my favorite lines from The Kite Runner. It may just be a simple, straightforward statement, but to me, it’s a comforting assurance.

I stumble everyday, i find myself caving in to my baser instinct of self-preservation, and along with it self-righteousness and self-promotion. i sometimes let my judgmental nature take over. i recognize it when it happens but i don’t fight it. i watch myself dishing out things i’d later wish i didn’t.

i almost always feel bad about it. i can’t take back things like opinions not meant to be shared, so i self-flagellate mentally. i torture my mind with guilt as penance.

My husband reminds me that it’s all about choices. But you need to frame your choices carefully.

I sometimes frame mine as: (a) rant it out to bust stress (decompress, my friend calls it, or (b) keep it inside and agonize over it alone.

What do you choose? Most often, I choose (a) because it’s rationalized as good for my mental health. Is it, really? because the ensuing self-flagellation is more like a case of the cure being worse than the disease.

What if the choices were really: (a) rant it out and feel worse afterwards when the guild come flooding in, or (b) keep it to yourself because, come on, what good will talking about it do? who cares? and what if your shit comes back to you?

i guess that makes more sense.

so what i’m just trying to say here is, I want to be good. and being good means (among other things) holding my tongue, suspending judgment, and being a bit more understanding.

it will be a struggle. but i hope i never get tired of wanting it.

Photo by Zaki

marvin's garden

bless your soil with your own toil. my husband subscribes to this, so not once did he entertain the idea of getting a professional do our landscaping (not that we have the budget for it).
i secretly dreaded the thought of amateurs doing my yard. but now i'm actually liking the results of his toil.
it's not pretty, it looks wild, but it's got character. when budget's an issue, and you can't afford pretty, you can always settle for character. scratch that. i say i'll take character over pretty anytime.

A Parent's Prayer

Around the last week of August every year, my kids' school celebrates Parents' Day to "recognize and promote parenting as a central vocation for our families and communities". I find it one of the more poignant occasions in school as the kids pay simple but meaningful tribute to their "angels on earth".

I'm sharing here one of the prayers featured in this year's celebration. I have no idea who wrote this, but it's good. Like a mantra only longer, it captures my essential parenting philosophies.

A Parent's Prayer

Help me give my children the best...not of trappings or toys, but of myself, cherishing them on good days and bad, theirs and mine.

Teach me to accept them for who they are, not for what they do; to listen to what they say, if only so they will listen to me; to encourage their goals, not mine; and please, let me laugh with them and be silly.

Let me give them a home where respect is the cornerstone, integrity the foundation, and there is enough happiness to raise the roof. May I give them the courage to be true to themselves; the independence to take care of themselves and the faith to believe in a power much greater than their own.

Let me see to it that I discipline my children without demeaning them, demand good manners without forgetting my own and let them know they have limitless love, no matter what they do.

Let me feed them properly, clothe them adequately, and have enough to give them small allowances...not for the work they do but the pleasure they bring. And let me be moderate in all these things, so the joy of getting will help them discover the joy of giving.

Let me see to it that their responsibilities are real but not burdensome, that my expectations are high but not overwhelming and that my thanks and praise are thoughtful and given when they're due.

Help me teach them that excellence is work's real reward, and not the glory it brings. But when it comes, and it will, let me revel in each honor, however small, without once pretending that it's mine; my children are glories enough.

Above all, let me ground these children so well that I can dare to let them go. And may they be so blessed.

-oOo-
update: i had to change the photo above because my eldest found the first one a bit repulsive and tantamount to abuse (they were on their back, soaking wet from playing with water hose). such heightened sense of propriety and empowerment

Around the 'hood

i think this place is growing on me. the highway-wide streets are just so inviting for biking and walking. Unlike in our old place where we still had to load our bikes in the car and bring it somewhere else (mostly to the mental hospital compound), here the kids just bike straight into the street from the garage.

at the end of our street, we have a park which gets lively in the mornings with people doing their cardio. the regulars have formed some kind of a club and they take turns bringing breakfast for the group. i think that's a nice way to start the day (cardio, groupfast and all), though probably not everyday. it's nice to have long lazy mornings once in a while, just curled up in bed with a light book or watching Travel and Living. (i do have major sloth fantasies).

there's also a mini-golf area, but i believe it's privately owned by the residents in front. they do some swings and have coffee there, and greet the passersby a chirpy good morning.

and then we really have a good morning.

yeah, i think i like this place.

sunday delight

a piece of advice (hey kids, pay attention)

"Stop worrying about your identity and concern yourself with the people you care about, ideas that matter to you, beliefs you can stand by, tickets you can run on. Intelligent humans make those choices with their brain and hearts and they make them alone. The world does not deliver meaning to you. You have to make it meaningful...and decide what you want and need and must do. It’s a tough, unimaginably lonely and complicated way to be in the world. But that’s the deal: you have to live; you can’t live by slogans, dead ideas, clichés, or national flags. Finding an identity is easy. It’s the easy way out." - Zadie Smith

Fake it 'til you make it

i love what i'm doing.
i'm good at what i'm doing.
i'm doing worthwhile things.