Good

“There’s always a way to be good again.”

This is one of my favorite lines from The Kite Runner. It may just be a simple, straightforward statement, but to me, it’s a comforting assurance.

I stumble everyday, i find myself caving in to my baser instinct of self-preservation, and along with it self-righteousness and self-promotion. i sometimes let my judgmental nature take over. i recognize it when it happens but i don’t fight it. i watch myself dishing out things i’d later wish i didn’t.

i almost always feel bad about it. i can’t take back things like opinions not meant to be shared, so i self-flagellate mentally. i torture my mind with guilt as penance.

My husband reminds me that it’s all about choices. But you need to frame your choices carefully.

I sometimes frame mine as: (a) rant it out to bust stress (decompress, my friend calls it, or (b) keep it inside and agonize over it alone.

What do you choose? Most often, I choose (a) because it’s rationalized as good for my mental health. Is it, really? because the ensuing self-flagellation is more like a case of the cure being worse than the disease.

What if the choices were really: (a) rant it out and feel worse afterwards when the guild come flooding in, or (b) keep it to yourself because, come on, what good will talking about it do? who cares? and what if your shit comes back to you?

i guess that makes more sense.

so what i’m just trying to say here is, I want to be good. and being good means (among other things) holding my tongue, suspending judgment, and being a bit more understanding.

it will be a struggle. but i hope i never get tired of wanting it.

Photo by Zaki