She

She doesn't know it, but to me she's the most enlightened parent in the world.  I wouldn't even want myself (especially my teenage self) for a daughter but I think she handled me pretty well.  In the hands of a less capable parent, a stubborn, reckless, insecure teenager like I was would self-destruct in no time. But I came through, if I may say so myself.

She has always been a selfless parent.  She let neither her fears hold me back nor her expectations define me. She let me live my life, even if I wasn't worthy of that kind of trust.  That's because she had no illusions about living my life for me; and because she was ready to bear whatever the consequence, the likeliest being disappointment and heartbreak.

When the disappointments did come, she indulged some tears but kept her trusting stance.  Thankfully, I eventually managed to grow up.  More important,  I have come to love my life, warts and all, with no regrets, bitterness and what-ifs.  And that, I hope, made her heartbreaks even just a little bit worth it.

My life is blessed because of the life that she has been living: that of sacrifice, unconditional love and faith.  My life is unfolding the way it is because of the prayers she keeps in her heart.

If I can make my heart as big and brave as hers, develop discernment as deep as hers, blessed even more are my husband and children.

Happy birthday Ma!

take two

i don't have anything in particular to write about right now.  but i need to post something because i've been making it a point to do an entry a week.  and i can't afford another area of dismal performance because i have already been feeling like an epic failure with my NY list.

so sorry so soon, right?   i also can't believe it, as i watch myself violating my list day after day after day since the time i wrote it, and it's not even February yet.  the resolve is not supposed to wane this early.  and to think i felt my list was such a baby. you know, sleep early, be on time, wear make up...  chicken, right? apparently not for me.  

how about you?  hope you're faring much better than i am.  (or lucky you if you didn't make a list)

i should have probably just stuck with the one-word theme for the year like i used to. sounds simpler.  it's like setting a guiding principle of what you yearn to master for that year. it's just a theme, so it's hard to tell if you're keeping/doing it or not (guilt evasion scheme). but your gut will tell you. guts don't B.S.

so mine last year was authenticity: to know my self better, enjoy that self, be really that self.   but as you can see, i have managed to come up with a loong list of things i need to change about myself last Jan 1.  so i guess i failed in my quest for authenticity too haha*  (just let me wallow in this sense of failure.  i can take this)

but i still want to have a theme for this year,  or make it two coz i'm retaining authenticity.  i was thinking of 'Depth'.  that's the word that popped in head while i listened to my pastor's sunday talk.  i was thinking: i love this church, i love how it re-focuses me to the essential matters of life, i love how it makes me want to become a person with a sense of mission and meaningful burdens.

then i realized i like it when i connect to my deeper self, when i'm not too engrossed with the mundane.  i want to have that not only when i'm in church. i want that to be a mainstay feeling.

but then Monday beckoned.

you know Mondays. they're not cuddly like Sundays.  and unfortunately, i need to contend with, like, 4 mondays a week (i'm counting out friday).

you also probably know how it's a challenge to stay in touch with the deeper self in an 8 to 5 work setting. so much stimuli.  so by barely mid-monday, i slide back to mundane.  at the rate i'm going, how could i possibly do deep 7 days a week?

maybe i don't really want deep (cop out!)

maybe i just want to be kinder.  to be consistently and effortlessly kind.  because i hate it too when i b*tch. it's so lowly.

kindness. it's warm and fuzzy and has more practical use in the world than depth.  you can even kill with it.

authenticity + kindness. maybe this is what my loong chicken list really is all about.

(Photo not mine. stumbled upon it 2 years ago while surfing aimlessly)

* at this point, i can imagine my mother saying: but you're still being yourself. you're just trying to become your best self. 

the grocery store

if i haven't yet, then let me tell you now i love grocery stores (especially the specialty ones).  i could stay there the entire day going through every aisle, skimming every brand of coffee, chili sauce, dark chocolate, body wash, tea, and other quirky stuffs.   this infatuation should be harmless except that the longer I stay there, the longer my list becomes with mostly i-just-realized-i-need-this items. you could imagine the husband not being pleased at all.

I make it a point to visit grocery stores in every place i visit.  i feel like a local when i'm inside one, wherever that may be.  and there's always a lot of interesting stuff in there, things not sold back home (like a carton of egg whites, would you believe?)

and it's good to know i'm not the only one out there who loves grocery stores. sara my sis does, too. she's particularly fond of Trader Joe's. good stuff.

what's your favorite store?

the obligatory new year's list

Sleep before 9:30pm
Walk for 1& 1/2 hours everyday, am and noon
Take the stairs always
Eat only fruits for breakfast
No sweets, unless it's dark choco bar (at least 70%)
No pork, unless it's lechon
Wake up no later than 5am
Pray right before sleeping and right after waking up
Check Facebook on weekends only
No complaints, no judgment
Listen more, talk less
Seek to understand everyone
Speak only kind words about anybody. Keep harsh opinions to self
Wear make up
Add more colors to wardrobe
Get pedicure every other week, facial once a month (may budget ba?)
Use up a bottle of body lotion down to the last drop (coz i usually ditch it even when it's not even half)
No shoe purchase until October
No bag and make up purchase for the year
Buy good quality only
No gadget purchase for the year
Optimize and enjoy whatever's available
Tithe religously
Visit Sagada wih the entire family
Climb Mt. Maculot
Visit Hundred Islands
Be on time for everything, particularly for work
Read to zion and pray with the kids every night (walang mintis)
Cook saturday lunch and dinner (ok, kahit lunch lang)
Prepare menu for the entire week and actually stick to it
Purge closet and shoe cabinet
Stick to our grocery budget
Prettify the backyard patio
Learn German
Write thank you notes
Give marvin back rubs, even when he doesn't ask for it


whew, and this isn't even as exhaustive as i feel it should be.  such a long way to my better self, but should be getting there.   


Happy 2011!

the aughts

2000-2010 is my most important decade so far. it saw me officially becoming an adult. here's how:

1. Got married
2. Had my first child, then second and third
3. Had my first major adult acquisition (a toyota revo)
4. Flipped houses thrice (first in a suburb 2 hours away from MM, then to one nearer by an hour, then to a condo unit in the metro)
5. Moved in to our first house and lot which is likely going to be our longtime family home
6. Got into a true adult financial mess then thankfully got out of it
7. Got the job i wouldn't mind retiring from
8. Kicked some bad habits learned from my riotous teenage years
9 Traded old unproductive beliefs for new personal truths

i love how this decade has shaped my life. i love the experiences it brought me, both the good and the unpleasant ones.

i can honestly say i am happy even with the mistakes i made all these years, because i think i learned from them, and because i feel i made them at the right time and age: when i was old enough to face them with the right perspective and young enough to still have the time, energy and confidence to manage the consequences.

i am thankful for the crises i went through because they have forged my most valued relationships: with myself, my husband, my family and most important with my God.

i am thankful for marriage and parenthood because of the love, sense of belonging, and perspective these gave me. and, if you haven't noticed yet, i am a big fan of Perspective.

i think i know a lot more about love now: how to give it generously, how to receive it gracefully.

i also have found my access to joy and inner peace. i can spot it now in me. i find joy when i am truly grateful for everything life has thrown me. i find peace when i surrender to my God's Love.

thanks to this decade. looking forward to the new one.

the sights (part 4)

Yosemite was my ma's most memorable stop in our road trip. why do you think?

the sights (part 3)

i could live in san francisco. really.

it's not called America's Finest City for nothing (update: oops. apparently, that title belongs to San Diego. but to me, SF deserves it more ;p)

it's beautiful, vibrant, relevant. and it's got this conscious living vibe. plus, it's got everything. i love its rolling hills, the rows of quaint victorian houses, the fog, and the Bridge!

some people who've seen the Golden Gate think there's nothing really spectacular about it, but when i saw it half-covered in fog, i just thought it was the loveliest thing. it looked like it was floating in a sea of clouds, like a gateway to heaven. i couldn't stop taking pictures of it.

if i were given a chance to pick a US city to settle in, it's gotta be SF hands down.